Thinking

Its that time of the night when you sit all by yourself and reflect on how your day went. Today, I have counted every minute of every hour to get to this one hour past midnight. I know exactly what I did minute by minute since I woke up, there isn’t much of what I did that seems to matter but what I thought and how I felt. Being quarantined is not helping matters either. (Don't ask) I have too much time on my hands to think.

Think about today, tomorrow and the last nine months I have been away. And no I was not pregnant. So many things have changed. Additions. Good byes. Compromises. Losses. Life. Death. I’ve changed yet am the same. Some things just defy logic, yet I look for answers. Maybe some day I’ll find them hiding somewhere inside me, but then again maybe not. For they may not be my answers to find.

Its never been about questioning life or raising a frustrated fist at destiny. It’s about the decisions that I make which lead me to where I am today. One thing that keeps coming back to calm me is that along the way my faith has strengthened. There are no regrets of where I am. This is me living my life moment by moment. Treasuring the yesterdays, memorizing the todays, and smiling at the tomorrows.

Sitting here just now, makes me wonder why I stayed away for so long from doing something I love. It wasn’t that there wasn’t magic to share, but there was no heart in the magic. I couldn’t wave my wand and create something that satisfied me. There are times when there is so much happening and your mind just shuts down. Its blank. Its numb. And you wish, wish with everything inside you that words would just flow. In your head. In your heart. But, all you hear is your heart beating a slow tattoo in your head.

Two nights ago, I felt like a man lost but being mule-headed about asking directions. After two hours of trying, every damn thing I could think of I gave in and sent blogger the request for user name and password retrieval. Hardly took two minutes to get back on. *Sigh*

Can't say how long I intend to stay for, although truth be told if fellow bloggers hadnt kept dropping in those comments, I probably wouldnt be here now. I'd have given it a couple o' more months. Credit goes to the ones who enjoy my ramblings.