Friday, May 11, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Heeaaalppp Needed
Couldn't access any of the wordpress blogs - Mansoor: http://wordofmansoor.com - was kind enough to help. Although I wasted a couple of hours leaving comments on several wordpress blogs which havent turned up.
While helping with this please keep in mind you are not dealing with a behind-the-scenes-savvy computer person. So details please. :)
Thanks
Malfunctioning Weather
I stand in front of the window, hypnotized and calmed by the constant sheets of falling water. During a break, a plane heads for the runway rattling my windows, a train toot toots in the distance. I just stand devouring it all in, letting my senses flare. Aren’t there times when you feel you can absorb energy from something as simple as rain. Though, truth be told at the moment am craving a couple of French toasts or a stack of pancakes with lots of dripping maple syrup and a large glass of orange juice or green tea. Wish Mom was here, she’d whip up something magically suiting this weather. I think I am going to end up with a large mug of the dreaded MILK…urgh…I’m so not a milk person. The buffalo milk here – and if anyone says its cow milk I’m liable to do some serious damage – has half the buffalo swimming in it, the smell is nausea inducing, the milk itself gets your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth with all the free floating fat and it curdles into something nasty when it hits your throat. Now that’s a mood dampener. I think in the last couple of months I’ve tried several brands just to find one that I don’t have to taste, so far its been OLWELL’s hi-Cal, low-Fat mixture, but their ad leaves a lot to be desired, why use the tag-line “You are Unstoppable”...or something along those lines, idiots don’t realize that everything and everyone is Stoppable! Hitler was eventually stopped, the Energizer Bunny stops when his batteries die out. And I’ve in all certainty digressed.
First thing I did when I jumped out of bed was call home, tell sis its raining and held the phone to the world outside asking her “Can you hear it?” Mom was on the extension so they both did. I’m sure it brought smiles all around. Wish I were home, with Bubloo-the cat curled up on my lap enjoying the weather, or well in his case he’d be calling his several lady-loves. We are seriously thinking of getting him neutered, though the thought of castrated male makes me wince. Not surprisingly, Dad and bro are totally against it, but with feline aids rampant, we have been advised several times to make him “happy and safe”. Bubloo is going to be so darned upset if he looses any part of his manhood. If we gave him the choice, he’d prefer to die sexually replete. Please don’t ask me how I know what goes around in my cat’s head, but he definitely has the females flocking. It’s probably got to do with the whole black-guy-satisfaction-guaranteed myth. Or is it a fact? Atleast, in Bubloo’s case it is definitely working. Here I go off on another tangent…
Anyways, getting back to the present. After last night’s madness, this is definitely a gift from the heavens. Literally. Before, I had realized that the weather had turned absolutely wonderful, several conversations from last night were playing amok in my head. I kept tossing and turning, cringing, telling myself that I could have said this, or that, not encouraged the argument, or given this advice to this person…but since the moments are lost, it is pointless to go over something that cannot be taken back.
Just this minute thunder did some amazing sound acrobats, and lightening added to the glamour. Show Offs. The craving for food is making my intestines knot, so am going to go fix myself the French toast and brew some green tea. No MILK today. Then I’m going to sit on my bean bag, lights off and enjoy this unexpected show, who has seen what tomorrow will bring. Hot, humid, dusty weather?
Thinking
Think about today, tomorrow and the last nine months I have been away. And no I was not pregnant. So many things have changed. Additions. Good byes. Compromises. Losses. Life. Death. I’ve changed yet am the same. Some things just defy logic, yet I look for answers. Maybe some day I’ll find them hiding somewhere inside me, but then again maybe not. For they may not be my answers to find.
Its never been about questioning life or raising a frustrated fist at destiny. It’s about the decisions that I make which lead me to where I am today. One thing that keeps coming back to calm me is that along the way my faith has strengthened. There are no regrets of where I am. This is me living my life moment by moment. Treasuring the yesterdays, memorizing the todays, and smiling at the tomorrows.
Sitting here just now, makes me wonder why I stayed away for so long from doing something I love. It wasn’t that there wasn’t magic to share, but there was no heart in the magic. I couldn’t wave my wand and create something that satisfied me. There are times when there is so much happening and your mind just shuts down. Its blank. Its numb. And you wish, wish with everything inside you that words would just flow. In your head. In your heart. But, all you hear is your heart beating a slow tattoo in your head.
Two nights ago, I felt like a man lost but being mule-headed about asking directions. After two hours of trying, every damn thing I could think of I gave in and sent blogger the request for user name and password retrieval. Hardly took two minutes to get back on. *Sigh*
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Silence of the Dead
The first step inside has the fast pace of life receding to nothingness. The second step and the silence is absolute. The birds are respectfully quiet. In this air of peace, vacuums of restlessness are almost tangible. I walk on, the sun beating on my covered head. Beating drums, or is it my heart? In this place of rest, the sound seems insultingly loud.
I am directed towards an ancestor, now encased in marble. I pray. I pray for him, I pray for me. This is all that is left of him, besides the blood that now flows in my veins. I meet others, some I know, and some from before my time. I greet and pray, for mine and the companions to mine. Strangers now neighbours.
I pray for peace. Their and mine.
Finally, I stand before the one I have come to meet. Even here her simplicity is apparent. No shining marble, no marker – just a little stone with a wilted plant. I kneel at her feet, my hand on the burning sand. The tears fall freely, yet no sound emerges to disturb her slumber. My heart aching with the need to feel her arms around me. I hope she knows I have come. I hope she forgives me for not always, being there when she needed me. For as long as I can remember, she has been my anchor. She stood by me when there was no one else. I pray she is happy and at peace.
I miss you gran’ma.
As I walk out, I hear them call me back. To speak of their joys and sorrows, their pains and trials, speak of the living who have forgotten that the dead still exist.
At the entrance, I stop to glance back one last time, wondering who will I rest next to. My heart silently promises to come back. To meet them again. To offer what I can.
My salutations and prayers for the people of the graves. May Peace be Upon You.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Away
So I kept away.
Tonight finds me wanting to pen my thoughts and sharing. Letting in. Coming back.
A New Road
I know eventually I will end up where I am meant to go. Destiny smiles her naughty smile. I shrug, take the first step towards the unknown, finding and learning everything I need to know along the way. Anticipating what I will find at the end of this road.
I will resume my journey from the moment I stop.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Slumber Party
Four women took Karachi by storm, or so we like to think. There were moments that I want to freeze in time, especially certain snores. hehehe. I think we all look like bloated cows these days since all we did was yak and eat. Tried nearly all the new food joints that have mushroomed around Karachi in the last couple of months, didnt exactly shop till we dropped -(which was a surprise), but the bonding sessions were the most enlightening.
I like to think we made a difference in each others lives and still do
Here's to friends.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Hopes and Dreams
(Dedicated to the Pathan boys who work at open-air markets in Karachi. They will work, but they will not beg)
“I am the soul of a thousand
My thoughts, my hopes of a million
Let the innocent be
For all they have are their dreams" Samia Ahmed
He awoke to the sound of quiet sobbing and the buzzing of the damned bloodsuckers! Disoriented, Zaib swiped at the mosquitoes, turned on his side, pulled the pillow over his head, and tried unsuccessfully to block out the sound of his Ama’s grief.
It would be a week and two days, since that spineless, pusillanimous man he called father, had walked out on them taking their savings and mom’s valuables. No reason, except they were not good enough for him! Just remembering that day had fury surging through his small frame. Restless, he kicked aside the patched quilt. He was no longer the mischievous, carefree ten-year-old boy who loved to tease and laugh. He alone was responsible for his Ama and two younger sisters and he promised himself that he would never let them down like that sorry, good-for-nothing, thieving, worthless dog who had abandoned them! He hated him! Hated him! Angry tears of resentment and helplessness washed over him like a wave, choking, hurting, and burning his chest. In an attempt to rein in his runaway emotions, he took a deep breath then pressed a fist to his trembling mouth wishing, hoping, but his mom’s restrained anguish kept reverberating through him. God, he wished she would at least smile again.
Pretending to be asleep, he turned on his bare stomach to look at her. It was dark inside the sparsely furnished, dilapidated hut. The light from the thin candle danced over her unadorned fire hair. She sat leaning against the wall, eyes closed, cheeks streaked with tears and his baby sister, Laila held close in her arms. Beside them, the five year old, bratty Sherizade slept on her tummy. The glow bathed them in warmth, while his side of the hut felt as cold and dark as a graveyard. Looking at them, he felt the all-consuming rage subside. Sad and confused he desperately prayed for a miracle.
Zaib silently slid off the mattress only to freeze when the wild staccato of gunfire broke the illusion of an innocent night. He saw Ama’s head snap up, she clutched Laila closer to her breast while soothing a startled Sherizade, her eyes searching the shadows. Gulping air, he willed the fear away. Although the sound of gunfire at any time of the day or night was a norm in this part of
They along with several families lived in small decrepit cabins at the edge of the notoriously corrupt Lines Area. In this poverty-stricken neighborhood clashes between the police and political factions was a common occurrence. Leaving the moth eaten, damp mattress, he sat on the cold floor beside his Ama and reached for her hand, desperately needing comfort, she squeezed his fingers and moved him closer to her side, he leaned against her, feeling her warmth and soft smells seep through him. She smelled like sunshine and warm honey. He nodded off against her shoulder only to be woken by the muazzain’s call for morning prayers. A new dawn. Zaib’s day had started.
After prayers and a hastily eaten breakfast, he made his way to the municipal taps to fill the water cans – they had no running water or electricity. Then he helped his mom with household chores and after school made his way towards the big houses where he earned two hundred rupees per week washing cars. He knew it was not going to be enough anymore, even with Ama embroidering clothes for the “big woman”. He had to do something more. His two best friends, Noor and Sikander, would help in finding a solution.
With dinner over, he left in a rush to get to the roundabout where Noor and Sikander were already sharing a homemade cigarette. Noor was talking about the latest movie he had seen while; Sikander lay on his back staring at the sky that was heavy with clouds. Zaib stretched out on the grass, letting the smell of the earth block the fumes from the passing traffic. Reaching over he snagged the cigarette out of Noor’s fingers and took a long drag, feeling the warmth and calm down to his toes. He felt like a man. He passed the cigarette to Sikander and studied the sky. He loved watching clouds play. He would lie here for hours on end, gazing at the sky while Noor droned on about becoming a film star. They all had their dreams. His dreams had changed overnight from wanting to buy a wristwatch to making enough money so he could buy one of those big houses and fancy cars, his sisters would go to school, have the latest fashions and his Ma wouldn’t have to work so hard.
Tuesday morning saw Zaib, rushing to meet Noor and Sikander. He had brushed his hair several times already and he was dressed in his favourite brown shalwar kameez. After a lot of thinking, all three of them had decided to go work at the Tuesday open-air market where they would carry the customers’ purchases for a fee and a tip. Noor’s cousin did this every Tuesday, and he made a bundle. All three of them excited with the prospect of becoming rich had dropped out of school to do some serious work.
Getting there, Zaib stood in awe, eyes huge, mind reeling. He had never seen something so big, so lively. There were stalls of vivid fruits and vegetables. Cloth in every colour and print imaginable fluttered in the breeze. Dazzling and tempting. Vendors hawked their wares, music and arguments, different smells of ripe fruit, poultry and hot grease all assaulted his senses. Excitement replaced the wonderment. Noor’s cousin broke the spell with his instructions and a crash course on how to persuade people to accept their services.
Carrying his large raffia basket, he went in search of someone who needed his services. An old lady struggling with several laden plastic bags caught his attention. His first customer. By the end of the day he had lost count, he was deadbeat and the only time he had seen his friends had been when they got together for lunch or prayers. They all had, had one exhausting but enterprising day. As they walked back home each of them discussed their adventures. Zaib just wanted to get home as soon as possible to see the expression on Ama’s face when he handed her the two hundred and sixty-five rupees he had made. He couldn’t wait for next Tuesday. This was turning out to be better than he had expected. He still washed cars everyday. Yesterday he had gotten another job, waiting tables three days a week at the corner hotel. It didn’t pay much but he got free meals. He had to look for something else too or Ama would have to go and clean the rich houses. He didn’t want her doing that. Ever.
The week couldn’t have moved fast enough for Zaib, he did all he was supposed to. Ama had started to smile again but the sadness was always present in her eyes. When he had handed her the week’s earnings she had looked at it with overflowing eyes, then kneeling had gathered him in a crushing embrace. He had felt the wetness of her tears on his neck and had tried to control his own. If Sherizade had not come by and pulled his hair, he would have made a fool out of himself by bursting into tears.
On Tuesday, Zaib waited at the corner of the street for his friends. He looked up at the sky, not a cloud in sight, somehow that depressed him. Instead, he thought of what awaited him today. With all the money he had started bringing home Ama wouldn’t have to leave the house. She depended on him and he would never let her or his sisters down. He hated to think about his father. Feeling impatient and agitated, he started walking alone towards the market.
Once there he felt his spirits rise. He loved this place, the different smells and sounds made him happy. He started working and was well into the day when a man wearing a suit asked him to carry his shopping to the car. After emptying his basket into the trunk, Zaib waited politely by the side of the car for the man to pay him. The man took out two five hundred rupees bills and handed them to him. In shock, Zaib stared at the money and then at the man. “Sir…you mistakenly gave me...” was all he could say. The man just smiled, patted his shoulder, told him to keep it and then drove away.
Zaib stared at the money in his hand. He felt the smooth paper rub gently against his palm, awestruck he held the paper to his nose inhaling the smell of money. He realized he was just standing there with a thousand rupees, one thousand rupees in one day!!! He had to go home! After the initial shock wore off, joy spread through him with a hundred thoughts running rampant through his mind.
Basket in one hand and the money clutched in his right fist, he ran towards home. He ran like the wind, his feet hardly touching the ground. Cars whizzed past him, the wind snatched at his hair and clothes, but he ran on. He had to get home. When the shots rang out, he didn’t hear them. One minute he was running the next he was lying flat on his back as pain speared through his body. In utter confusion, he looked down to see a large stain of red spreading on his shirt. Tears spilled down the side of his face as his body writhed in agony. “Ama” was all he could whisper, as the metallic smell of blood filled his nostrils. He had to get home to give her the money. He had to get up. His body convulsed, the pain was making his mind numb, he stared at the endless blue sky wishing for a cloud.
That is how the police constables and ambulance drivers found him, lying in a pool of his own blood, staring with unseeing eyes at the heavens. The constable picking him up discreetly pocketed the one thousand rupees, which he found in the boy’s clenched fist. After lying him down with the rest of the bodies, the ambulance drove away taking with it a boy’s unfulfilled dreams and hopes.
(Acknowledgements: Voxy – Thank you for re-opening the half-closed door on a dream. The rest of my favourite bloggers: Psyched, Guyana-Gyal, Spicy Nadi, Viking Mike, Samay, Hani, Veiled Muslimah and Turaeg – your faith and encouragement humbles me. My gratitude to Bill – the wise one)